I’d Buy That for a Dollar

So I had the utter misfortune of watching the new Robocop trailer.

No, I will not post the clip because fuck that movie.

I won’t get into a rant about what’s wrong with the idea of a Robocop remake. If you know me, or if you know the movie, you can make that list up in five minutes easy.

What I WILL rant about is Hollywood’s need to reconfigure things that accomplished their mission to begin with. It seems that there’s always this desire to fix what isn’t broken while there are real opportunities to sort out the stuff that WAS broken in the first place.

You know what? Fuck it, no ranting. How about we list out a few decent, but flawed flicks that could actually do with a remake. Sure, the result may be the same soulless bullshit Hollywood squeezes out every year, but at least they’d be trying to mine a few diamonds in the rough.

Here are my five flicks that could actually use a remake/reboot/requel.

5) Monster Squad

I’m a massive fan of this movie and I know quite a few people who are as well. When they finally announced the 20th anniversary release of this flick, I literally ran out on new DVD day to pick it up.

I never, ever fucking do that. That’s how much I enjoy Monster Squad.

But is it a perfect movie?

Oh, hell no. The acting is awful, the plot is completely nonsensical and the music is fucking trash. It was also a complete box office bomb, but that’s normally the case with most cult classics.

Still, it’s a charming movie with some decent makeup and practical effects that wasn’t afraid to get a little messed up, even if the target audience were kids that were obsessed with The Goonies.

Why remake it?

This is basically the Avengers for Universal Monsters. How can this not be on some dipshit’s list of movies to remake right now? You’re telling me that if they put a competent director and writer in the same room to put together a modernized, more family friendly version of this it wouldn’t be at least ‘popcorn fun?’

Hell, you can even keep the whole Wolfman has nards bit and it would still hold up.

4) The Last Starfighter

Yep, the best Star Wars ripoff ever deserves a remake.

This might be sacrilege to some, but still, I think The Last Starfighter was the kind of flick that was a little ahead of its time. It’s a shame this was never franchised, especially when you consider that it was actually a hit that made almost double it’s budget!

There have been rumors of a sequel and remakes for years, and I think it would be a smart thing to start from scratch and really shed off that Star Wars ripoff stigma. A good team can really update this concept and do some interesting things with it.

3) Darkman

A cult film that was actually a pretty big hit when it was released, Darkman was unfortunately exiled to the straight to video bin after nobody involved with the original really wanted to come back.

Since we have so many DC and Marvel properties out there, wouldn’t it be nice to have something a little original but with that kind of money behind it?

They tried it with Hancock and aside from some casting issues and a shitty third act, they almost succeeded. The character himself, a scientist driven to revenge on those that deformed him by using his own invention to go incognito and destroy them all one by one, is probably old hat by now, but modern special effects would go a long way in making this fun to watch.

Hell, Sam Raimi isn’t making anything worthwhile. Get him to come direct it.

2) Innerspace 

I actually hate this movie thanks to Martin Short’s ability to try too hard at trying too hard.

That aside, it’s a damn shame that concepts like an adventure in the human body with miniature submarines and people fighting antibodies and other whacked out shit hasn’t been explored since this flick.

Is it too high concept?

I say make a straight up adventure flick like Fantastic Voyage, but with some of the more humorous ideas from Innerspace (minus Short) and you’d have a pretty entertaining summer flick that would probably pull in obscene amounts of money.

In the meantime, we get Transformers 4.

1) They Live

Right now there’s two possible reactions to this:

1) Really?
2) Really?

Hear me out before you decide whether you agree with me or not.

Now, what is it about They Live that makes it so enjoyable? Is it the terrible performances? Maybe the lame makeup and special effects. Oh! I figured it out, the music, right?

No? Well, shit, what was it?

The premise? Really, you’re telling me that this movie lives and dies by its premise only?

Yes, that’s what I’m saying. Now you look at where we are as a society and tell me that They Live isn’t beyond relevant these days. Can you imagine a solid version of this movie that casts the NSA and our government as mind-controlling aliens hellbent on exploiting us for dubious reasons?

You don’t even have to change much about the movie itself beyond getting a decent cast and putting a little more money into the effects.

Especially don’t touch the ending. It’s pitch perfect.

Otherwise, yes, They Live is a flick that deserves a remake for all of the right reasons.

It’s a movie that was considered a comedy at the time and I would rather see a version take its subject matter a little more serious, hell, even be considered a sincere indictment on the modern world and where we’re headed.

You know, something like another movie that did the same thing perfectly 26 years ago…

What was that movie again?

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