(man yelling indistinctly)

Stream of consciousness blog post incoming!

Had a great – and exhausting – weekend in Rhode Island for NECON 2018. It was my first time at the event and certainly won’t be my last. I had a lot of fun chatting with folks new and familiar. It’s always good to be reminded I’m not alone as a writer or a person.

I’m tired as hell – physically and mentally.

But it’s back to work. Back to day job and back to parenting and back to partnering and back to writing and back to podcasting and back to questioning my place in the world as a writer and back to questioning my worth as a human every time I put myself out there in front of people who’ve never had to feel that way.

That exhaustion shows no sign of ending.

If you listen to this week’s episode of the bastard title, there’s a lengthy talk about positivity; about working through the current climate and trying to be the change you want to see in the world. It’s a difficult discussion because everyone has a distinct idea of what positivity is and clearly everyone has a different idea of what change should be. It’s a difficult concept because sometimes change and positive action aren’t entirely something people respond to with open arms. It’s especially difficult to figure out what constitutes positivity as a writer of color since I’m sometimes at odds with very cold truths about the world around me.

I often wonder if folks who roll their eyes at the criticisms voiced by marginalized authors realize that those authors are just as tired – if not more tired – of having to raise their voices constantly. I wonder if there’s any awareness that imposter syndrome coupled with the knowledge of many people looking at you as a lesser for merely existing can drain everything away from you. Is it even feasible that what looks like being “difficult” is actually struggling to maintain one’s authenticity in the face of being viewed as a fucking circus act?

I’m not fishing for anything here. This has all been on my mind for a long time and I can accept I’m not always the best at conveying those thoughts. It’s easy for anger and passion – righteous as those emotions can be – to get in the way. Doesn’t help that social media provides a refreshing and easy dose of dopamine.

Ultimately,  those easy actions are hollow. Easy doesn’t pay the fucking bills and dopamine hits fade out with every dose.

I’m not sure what the most positive path to change could be. I know it won’t be easy and I certainly know it can’t be comfortable for everyone.

Shit, I’m not sure how to end this rant.

Thanks for reading.

 

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