3 months on and I’m finally feeling “normal” again.
I wrote HELL CHOSE ME a few years back. The manuscript landed me an agent which sort of went nowhere and left me back at square one. Ultimately, I found the book a great home and waited for it to exist.
Life is funny since a book very much married to a lot of the issues I had with my family would finally release when I found myself in a place where I almost envied my protagonist. See, in the book, he gets a chance for closure with some of the people who hurt him and undervalued him. Me? Not so much.
Fiction is therapy, though, and I think now that I’ve had time to relax and not think about the book or the issues, I’ve found something close to that closure. It may not necessarily be real, but I wrote it out. My baggage exists for anyone to see.
I’ve learned that a lot of my deficiencies are of my own making. Were they seeded and somewhat nurtured by others? At times, sure. End of the day, I’m the one that continued watering the weeds, really, and I’m happy to be able to see that and work on focusing on the better parts of me while fixing the bits that need fixing. A lot of that’s left me feeling better than I have in a long time—sort of more connected with my identity and what I want for myself.
When I started writing, I entertained a lot of fun fantasy. Big book deals, ego stroke, and validation. That last bit especially. And it’s not like I still don’t, but lately there’s been something new filling that void. I look at what I’ve accomplished and honestly, I’m proud of myself. I know I can and will do more, but I’m not feeling the pressure I used to feel—the imposter syndrome, the FOMO, that weird desire to compare myself to others.
I’m certain I’m not impervious to a relapse, but until then I think I’ve got a handle on what I want and how I want to do it. I’ve always been the type to do things on my terms and now that I feel more like myself than I ever in this little bubble, I can’t see myself doing it any other way.
That said, I’ve got an anthology to concentrate on boosting in the next couple of months. This is an opportunity for me to get Latinx writers into the hands of new readers and to get my publisher past different doors. I was worried I wasn’t ready to do something like this last year, but I’m honestly excited at the prospect of buckling down and hashing this plan out. Hell, the excitement’s bleeding into my desire to finish projects, so double bonus.